SNAPE VIGNETTES VOLUME FIVE!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Tribunal of the missing tape and an online adventure for everyone.
1. Same Old, Same Old

AS USUAL, SEVERUS SNAPE AND A BUNCH OF OTHER TEACHERS DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY NORMAL, BUT IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO EVER DO. . .BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER  
  
"Does anybody feel like chinese today?" Dumbledore asked at lunch, while seated at the teachers' table. "I'm really sick of school food. I say we order out for dinner."  
  
"Chinese makes me gag, " Professor Sinistra quickly answered. "What about indian?"  
  
"There's no good indian places around here that deliver," MacGonagall interjected.  
  
"Thai?" Flitwick asked.  
  
"Too pricey."  
  
"Mexican?" Lupin suggested.  
  
"Too heavy."  
  
"Why the sudden interest in ethnic food?" Snape demanded. "Why can't we just get a regular pizza like usual?" He loved pepperoni.  
  
"The pizza places won't deliver here anymore, Severus," Dumbledore replied. "It seems the delivery people prefer not to be bitten."  
  
"Hey, that guy bit me first," Snape retorted moodily. 


	2. Chopper Dave is That an Uh Oh, Over

SEVERUS SNAPE FINDS OUT THAT THERE'S SOMETHING MUCH WORSE THAN GETTING FIRED  
  
"You all know why we're here," Professor Dumbledore said seriously, scanning the row of people seated before him in the dank, dimly-lit and unused dungeon chamber. All of the teachers and staff at Hogwarts were sitting in chairs within the gloom, looking anxiously at each other.  
  
"Someone," Dumbledore continued, "taped over my episodes of 'NYPD Blue' with a bunch of Cartoon Network crap. I want to know who did this."  
  
There was an oppressive silence.  
  
"You'll stay in those chairs all day and all night until someone confesses," Dumbledore threatened. No one moved.  
  
"And no Gamecube for a month," he added testily.  
  
"Well screw THAT," MacGonagall said loudly. "Snape did it."  
  
"Only because he left it in the VCR!" Snape shouted. Dumbledore signaled to an attendant, who opened the chamber door. A young muggle woman stepped in.  
  
"I'd like you to meet C-chan, Severus," Dumbledore smiled grimly. "And C- chan would like you to meet her boyfriend Tim, co-inventor of Blacktop Richocet Death Frisbee."  
  
A huge man lumbered into the room, just barely squeezing through the wide door. He halted next to Snape, who glanced up nervously. Tim's mammoth head was hidden in shadow as he stood motionless, breathing with heavy menace.  
  
"Tim's got a whole set of drill bits he wants you to meet," C-chan said brightly. "But that's back at our house in the U.S." Tim reached a gigantic hand down, grabbed Snape by the head and lifted him to his feet.  
  
"Don't worry, we brought a pet carrier for you to travel in," C-chan added as Snape was dragged, screaming, out the door headfirst by Tim. "I keep telling Tim it's too small for humans, but he's pretty sure he can make you fit in it."  
  
-----------------  
  
Congratulations to C-chan, who says that what Snape was looking at on the front lawn was: He saw the Rabid Vampire Butterflies attacking Draco at my command, because he won't confess his love for Ron, whom he CLEARLY wiggled his eyebrows at in the second movie when he said "See you at school."  
  
Oh, and I believe Harry and the Whomping Willow were doing something in the background, but we don't REALLY want to know what it was, while Filch was wearing black leather and telling Mrs. Norris "You think I'm Sexy!"  
  
*** I don't claim to understand half of that, but the part about Filch saying "You think I'm sexy!" is incredibly funny to me. That's just a very funny line. 


	3. Make Me!

(A NOTE TO THE MODERATORS OF FF.NET: I respect your rules and I think this is a great website that helps people promote their stories to others who may share their interests. I have been a member of the site for well over a year and follow the rules with as much spirit as if I wrote them myself, because they are sensible. That is why I have deliberated for some time over posting this chapter and have tried in vain to get in touch with you in order to ask permission, as I don't wish to be blocked from the site for my ignorance. I'd just like to make note that this particular chapter, by unanimous concensus among several writers I have asked, does not fall under your blacklist as "chat or keyboard dialogue-based entries." It is, in fact, NOT an entry, but a single chapter by itself amidst many other legitimate chapters. It is also not a real-life chat transcript, but a fictitious one invented to serve the plotline within said chapter. So before you contemplate deleting this, please consider the fact that it is in no way breaking your rules or infringing upon the meaning of a work of fan fiction. Writing in transcript form, after all, is not a wanton disregard for the rules, but just another creative way of telling a story, albeit a very stupid story. Thank you kindly.)  
  
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE ONLINE HOGWARTS TEACHERS' LOUNGE  
  
Snape sat down in front of his faithful tangerine iMac with a mug of cocoa. He had just spent sixteen consecutive hours wiring the castle up for an internal network and was now testing out the interoffice chat option. No one knows why he wanted this installed or what good it would do for the school. Somewhere along the line, Dumbledore turned to Lupin and said, "Dude. . .you're gettin' a Dell." And it all went downhill from there.  
  
Snape logged into his account and called up the program.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Run: login_chat.exe  
  
Login name: $N4P3_RU13$  
  
Password: SherbertLemon  
  
------------------------  
  
_**You are now signed into the Hogwarts Staff Online Lounge.**  
  
-----------------------  
  
MacGonagrrl: LOL! No way.  
  
Dmbledork: yeah I saw it on the west wing last night it ruled  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: hey wat's goin on  
  
----------------------  
  
** M41F0Y_0wnZ_j00 has just entered the room.**  
  
----------------------  
  
M41F0Y_0wnZ_j00: HEY DOOD  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: You're not allowed in here, Malfoy. This is for teachers only. :P  
  
~UmBritch++~: AHH LOLOLOLL OMG HEYA MALFOY! ((((((((((((hugzzz)))))))))))))  
  
MacGonagrrl: Dolores, don't go overboard or anything. *rolls eyes*  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: d00d Lupin, your not the boss of lucius  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG HI HI HI MALFOY [[[[[[hugglez!!]]]]]  
  
Dmbledork: Malfoy I think you want  
  
Dmbledork: the chat room  
  
Dmbledork: down  
  
Dmbledork: the  
  
Dmbledork: hall  
  
Dmbledork: for Death Eaters  
  
MacGonagrrl: Knock it off Albus  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Yes I am the boss, I'm the moderator here, Severus.  
  
Dmbledork: make me, Minerva.  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG OMG WTF my screen just totally blinked like EIGHT TIMES  
  
Dmbledork: So Ha  
  
Dmbledork: Ha  
  
Dmbledork: Ha ha.  
  
----------------------  
  
**LockHEARTTHROB has just entered the room**  
  
----------------------  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Welcome to the room, LockHEARTTHROB.  
  
MacGonagrrl: Ew.  
  
Dmbledork: Ha.  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG HI HI Lockhart!! ((((GLOMPS))))  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Hi ~Umbritch++~! A/S/L?  
  
Dmbledork: Didn't I fire you or something lockhart?/  
  
M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00: You can't kick me out Lupin Im signed in as a guest SO THERE  
  
:P**  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Hi Dmbledork! A/S/L?  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG ROLFLMAO LOLLOLOL Lockhart your so funny!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: I can still kick you out of the room, Lucius.  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: give it a rest lupin GOD  
  
Macgonagrrl: So what were you saying bout the new quidditch lineup albus  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Hi MacGonagrrl! A/S/L?  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: Lockhart shut up  
  
M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00: So go ahead and try it Lupin I dare you, loser  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Hi $N4P3_RU13$! A/S/L?  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Maybe I will!  
  
-------------------------  
  
**SeriousBlack has just entered the room.**  
  
-------------------------  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Hi Sirius!  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Hi SeriousBlack! A/S/L?  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: SHUT UP, GILDEROY!  
  
SeriousBlack: Hi Remus  
  
Dmbledork: I was saying I think we should nix quidditch this year  
  
M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00: D00D HE"S SO NOT A TEACHER EITHER NO FAIR  
  
MacGonagrrl: WHAT? WTF are you talking about???  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: I'M THE MODERATOR AND I SAY HE STAYS, LUCIUS.  
  
Dmbledork: Well I wuz thinkin cuz I got this new set of kick@ss devilsticks we could  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: SO HA  
  
Dmbledork: teach the kids to play  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: HA  
  
Dmbledork: with devilsticks instead  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: HA.  
  
Dmbledork: cuz they rule.  
  
MacGonagrrl: Stop that Albus  
  
Dmbledork: make me.  
  
SeriousBlack: Remus I cant find my blue sweater, you seen it? It has the cable knit on it?  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG OMG I have a blue sweater JUST LIKE THAT LOLLOL!!  
  
M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00: OH SO SIRIUS BLACKHEAD GETS TO USE THE  
  
TEACHERZ ROOM FOR SWEATER LOCATION BUT ****I*** CAN"T BE IN  
  
HERE???  
  
MacGonagrrl: I think that's a stupid idea, Albus  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Somebody talk to me pleeeeeeeeez  
  
Dmbledork: last time I checked it was my school not yours, minerva :P  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: I haven't seen your sweater, Sirius.  
  
LockHEARTTHROBZ: PLLEEEEEEEZZ  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: have you checked in your own bedroom, lupin?  
  
MacGonagrrl: youre an idiot and your school is stupid  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: What's THAT supposed to mean, Severus?  
  
SeriousBlack: Shut up Severus  
  
M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00: THIS IS SUCH BULLSH@T I'm GOIN TO THE DEATH  
  
EATERS ROOM SEE YOU LOSERS LATER  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: you know what it means.  
  
------------------------  
  
** M41F0Y_0WNZ_j00 has left the room.**  
  
------------------------  
  
Dmbledork: You don't have to work here if you don't like it, minerva  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Thank goodness he finally left.  
  
Dmbledork: You can go back  
  
Dmbledork: to the circus  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: I knw you 2 are shaggin on the side its so obvious GOD  
  
Dmbledork: and walk the tightrope  
  
Dmbledork: for a living  
  
MacGonagrrl: STOP THAT!  
  
Dmbledork: make me  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: That's not true and you know it, Severus. Don't spread lies.  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: Any 17/F here??? A/S/L??  
  
SeriousBlack: {Private message to Lupin_the_3rd}  
  
~Umbritch++~: OMG Sirius how'd you do that? LOOLOLLL I can't figger that  
  
out! :D***  
  
SeriousBlack: {Private message to Lupin_the_3rd}  
  
Dmbledork: and your just jealous cuz you cant use them  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: {Private message to SeriousBlack}  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: Whats so private, Black? Like I totally cant guess *roooolls eyes*  
  
SeriousBlack: {Private message to Lupin_the_3rd}  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: {Private message to SeriousBlack}  
  
MacGonagrrl: I KNOW how to use devilsitcks albus I just don't care. They're gay and  
  
stupid.  
  
LockHEARTHHROB: anyone A/S/L??  
  
SeriousBlack: {Private message to Lupin_the_3rd}  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: You guys are so gross, I totally know what your talking about so what  
  
the point of using PMs/  
  
Dmbledork: well then prove it  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: {Private message to SeriousBlack}  
  
Dmbledork: you big  
  
SeriousBlack: {Private message to Lupin_the_3rd}  
  
Dmbledork: overgrown  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: {Private message to SeriousBlack}  
  
Dmbledork: harpy  
  
SeriousBlack: mmmmmm that's right, baby.  
  
MacGonagrrl: SHUT UP, ALBUS!  
  
SeriousBlack: oops  
  
Dmbledork: make me  
  
MacGonagrrl: What?  
  
Lupin_the_3rd: Sirius don't keep resetting your comments to public mode!!!  
  
~Umbritch++~: ROFL!!!  
  
$N4P3_RU13$: I KNEW IT!!  
  
LockHEARTTHROB: A/S/L??  
  
[END] 


End file.
